SMB Sunday - A little reluctant

Well, let's see... I said I'd do this, and I'm going to do this, but I'm reluctant to start. I have no idea how to go about writing past tense about one of the most amazing people I've ever had the opportunity to know... I've got tons of memories, most of them hilarious, but it's hard to be witty and charming about all of this, but such is life, and death too, I guess. I hate that word. I have a hard time thinking of SMB in that way... I prefer to picture her flying in the sky or roller skating with Care Bears as AG once said.

I tend to think she's flitting around going from person to person visiting them in their dreams in much the same way she was flitting around the last time I saw her. The last time I saw SMB was February 16th. She drove up from Austin where she had recently moved to come dress shopping with me. She was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids, and I asked all my girls to come shopping with me to help me pick a dress and for them to pick dresses. AG and Goldilcoks got I got there a little early shortly followed by my mom, and everyone else was late, so I grabbed up all the dresses I wanted to try on and went in the back to get started. Dresses are SO not my thing, and I was actually dreading doing the whole dress thing. While I was getting strapped into these big poofy white dresses, I heard SMB arrive. So I walked out and she was sitting there talking to my mom and when I walked around the corner wearing this crazy big white dress she immediately jumped up and got all teary and came and gave me a big bear hug. She told me I was beautiful and that she was happy to see me. She helped me pick out my dress, checked out my ring because she hadn't seen it in person, and was just generally awesome.

After I had my dress all picket out, it was time for the AG and SMB to pick out dresses. TS was preggo, so she knew she only had one choice of dress, and BT was also considering getting preggo (she actually was at the time but didn't know it yet), so neither of them were going to get dresses yet. AG picked one of the first dresses she tried on, and it's gorgeous. SMB picked a whole slew of dresses to try on, and I kept giving her more and more to try on. She was a perfect size 2 and was our skinny friend. She was like my own personal barbie doll, so we had a blast trying on all of these totally goofy bridesmaid dresses. She made her way to the prom dresses and found this totally obscene, extremely way too short little gold number with glitter and sequins and what not all over it, and the skirt was like that balooney-poofy type of skirt... Sorry I'm not into dress fashion... makes sense in my head. Anyway... she grabbed the dress and PROMISED me she wasn't going to wear it in my wedding but she just HAD to try it on, so to the dressing room we went. It was actually adorable, as anything she ever wore was, and she thought it was hilarious. She told me she was going to wear it to a P-Diddy party one day, but not to my wedding. I told her she could wear whatever she wanted, and that she was adorable. She said she couldn't wear this particular dress because everyone would be able to see her vadge... I told her we could get her some bloomers, and she said everyone knows you're not supposed to wear panties with a dress. Duh. We got to laughing and embarrassed my mom with our vagina talk. She hugged me and told me I was awesome because I'd actually let her wear whatever dress she wanted in my wedding. She ran out into the mirror area where everyone was sitting and posed and flitted around in her little prom dress and totally cracked my mother up. We were all laughing our asses off with her, which is pretty much what we always did. She was the most hilarious person I've ever met. She ran around the store a few times for comic effect then went back and picked a real dress. She decided to go with a cocktail length strapless number that was really cute. We were all not-so-secretly jealous because she was going to look cuter than all of us, but we were pretty much used to that. :) When we were done and everyone was just paying and what not, SMB grabbed me and gave me a HUGE hug and told me thank you for letting me be in your wedding. I replied to her that there was no way I was going to have a wedding without her. I'm fairly certain that's ironic. The definition of the word ironic is always hard for me to grasp, but I'm pretty sure that's ironic. If not, my apologies to the blog-world. I'll also go ahead and apologize for going to the place where paragraphs have been forgotten... This is stream of consciousness writing, yo. Anyway...

All-in-all it was a great day. I got the dress thing out of the way, SMB and AG picked their dresses, SMB told me she was going to come over on Sunday to get some stuff from my house that I was keeping for her, and I told her I could hang onto it for her, it was no big deal. UGH... I sooo wish she would have come over, but then again, if she did, I wouldn't have a piece of her still here at my house. I'd gladly give the stuff up though for another day to hang out with her. I don't think I ever REALLY got to thank her for agreeing to be a part of my wedding. I'm not sure if she ever knew how much that really meant to me. She was actually engaged before me and asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I was totally jazzed about that. What an honor, seriously... She ended up breaking off her engagement, and I know that had to be one of the hardest things she'd ever done. She was so gracious and happy for me that she still found a way to be awesome, and I can't thank her enough for that. I know it was hard for her, and I wish I'd told her I understood and how grateful I was that she was able to be there for me. Hopefully she knows. I think she does.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that she won't be a part of my wedding. BigAC's family would have absolutely adored her, and she would have been the light of the party. She was at TS and BT's weddings, and I'm jealous of that. It hurts to lose someone, and it really hurts to lose someone who was such a bright shining light. I miss her... I think I always will. At least this way, I can share memories with others and do my part to keep her memory alive, and that's at least something. More on all things SMB next sunday... Stay tuned, folks.

That is all,

SBC