And now with the SMB story, yo. It's been awhile since I posted an SMB story, and that blows. I didn't think it would be as hard as it is to write about her in past tense. So bear with me gentle reader.
SMB was an animal lover of the highest degree. She was a stray dog rescuing card carrying vegan PETA member with the world's biggest heart especially when it came to animals. Her dog, Neela, was numero uno. Neela is, by my honest estimation, the world's best dog. I'm obviously a terrible puppy mom because I have three of my own, and Neela is still tops.
SMB and I lived in the same apartment complex, so when we'd go out and... you know... feed the homeless and do various other volunteer activities until the wee hours of the night... What? You don't believe me? Oh FINE. We were out drinking and partying and singing really bad karaoke and probably flirting with boys. Are you happy now? Good.
So occasionally we'd go out and get home rather late from time to time. SMB had a knack for never sleeping, and I was completely unable to be the part pooper. We'd always end up back at my apartment listening to music, still singing and laughing and probably annoying the shit out of the neighbors. We couldn't leave one of our dogs at home, so we decided to introduce Neela to my only dog at the time, Princess Stupefia... aka Sophie. Neela had a bad rep when it came to playing nice with other dogs, but I promised SMB that Sophie was the dog whisperer... or the dog-to-dog whisperer. She gets along well with others is what I'm getting at.
As luck would have it, they were a match made in heaven... but they were quite the odd couple... Here's Nela:
She's a slightly overweight Rotweiller German Shepherd mix (more than likely). And, here's the Princess...
Sophie is a 13 lb yorkie poodle mix of pure evil... er... I mean love. But not really. She's fairly evil. But she DOES get along well with others. She makes friends with ALL dogs... even dogs, like Neela, that pretty much try to eat all other dogs.
Anway... we had a nice thing going. A routine if you will. We'd go out and play, then Neela and SMB would come over and we'd have a nice little slumber party, then watch old episodes of Sex and the City and eat Crazy Bread to cure what ailed us... That's a hangover for those of you not in the know. So our nice little routine was going swimmingly until THIS happened:
That, my friends, is Moxie. She's adorable, right? She's a pug chihuahua mix. She's a MUCH better dog than Sophie. I know... GOOD dog moms don't say things like that, but there's one simple fact: Moxie is a better dog than Sophie. With one minor exception.... Moxie does NOT get along well with others. She's a jealous little spazoid.
SMB was pretty upset that we had to stop having our slumber parties because we thought Moxie and Neela would attempt to systematically destroy each other.... And you know what? We were RIGHT!
After one of our evenings out on the town we got it into our brilliant minds that we should just get it over with and introduce Moxie and Neela because surely they would love each other as much as Sophie and Neela did. Plus Neela was probably going into a fit of deep depression at not getting to play with her BFF.
So we brought Neela over... we let Moxie out... they sniffed each other... got growley, and then it happened. Moxie lunged at Neela (who mind you is about 3 times her size) and went straight for her jugular. I know I am prone to exaggeration from time to time, but this is for realz, yo. Moxie was latched on and dangling from Neela's neck. Neela, as you can imagine, was none too happy about this and was thrashing about (in my tiny apartment living room mind you). SMB immediately tackled Neela and wrestled her to the ground, which was no easy feat seeing as how Neela more than likely outweighed SMB. I grabbed Moxie and forcefully convinced her to release her kung fu death grip on Neela's neck. We separated the dogs and surveyed the damage.
SBC: "You OK?"
SMB: "FUCK Moxie bit me!"
SBC: "Shit... let me see..."
SMB shows me her finger... yep... that's a dog bite... um... wait a minute... what's that...
SBC: "HOLY SHIT BALLS YOU'RE BLEEDING FROM THE EAR!!!!"
SMB: ...[blank stare]
I grabbed her head (and the rest of her followed) and drug her into the kitchen and wiped the blood OUT OF HER EAR and realized that her ear was not the source of the blood and inspected her head and other surrounding areas for open flesh wounds... but nothing. So if the source of the blood wasn't SMB's head, then it had to be a dog. We inspected the spartan fighting machines and I found it... Moxie had a lovely puncture wound in her back. Neela got the last laugh on that one. Luckily Neela was not bleeding, which is a miracle since Moxie was in fact hanging from her neck for some time.
About this time is when SMB realizes that her finger is still bitten... and it hurts... and it's starting to bleed... and she's pretty sure she's gonna puke or pass out. So I grab her head again... the rest of her followed again... and sit her down on the side of my bathtub with her head perched over the toiled, you know... just in case. I cleaned her finger (it was her middle finger on her left hand), and doctored it to the best of my absolutely no medical experience while keeping the savage beasts separated and balancing a spitting woozy SMB over the toilet and pleading with her to not spew.
Which reminds me... I need to write about Tank Top Tourniquet night. I performed a lot of drunken first aid in that bathroom. Good times. Anywho... I doctored up SMB's finger and got her all bandaged up all with out any vomit or unconsciousness. Go me.
The next morning, we inspected her finger again and it had swollen up and looked like this ass-nasty Sausage Finger. It was pretty gross. Since it was her left hand it made guitar playing next to impossible, which Moxie was properly chastised for. It was one of those crazy adrenaline why-in-the-world-did-we-think-that-was-a-good-idea nights that I'll never forget.
That is all,
SBC
2 comments:
That is a hilarious story! I must know, did the dogs ever become friends?
Oh and hey, thanks for the shout out! :)
They learned to moderately tolerate each other at best, but we powered through; however, Moxie was none too sad when her BFF Neela moved to Austin.
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